Hello. *something authentic but also sickly positive*
As common, cliche and average as it is I don’t know where to start. I tried remembering what it was like to be a child and to attack a problem head on, with no consideration on what the “right” answer is, just the possibility of truth. But for as long as I can remember I’ve looked for examples. Every assignment, activity, extension of my huburis has not come in isolation or introspection. There is something so magical about being able to see something and say… “Hey… I can do this too..?!?”.
Thats how I feel about philosophy, writing and thinking. On reflecting on my childhood one feeling clearly comes rushing back: confusion and deep horror. Now if you know me IRL this may seem strange, I’m a pretty positive guy. But I also remember the first time I learnt something that broke my conception of the world. Growing up religious, at some point there is this disconnect between the sin of sex and how you came to be. The palpable shame (some may say disgust) in the face of sexual freedom, in contrast to the knowledge that it is single-handle-y possibly the most important thing we do.
I remember this gap, and I remember being a kid and not understanding how you choose what you like. In this world infinite choice, knowledge and ideas how did anyone agree— Was I always doomed to be at rules of another who refuses to explain?
And this is why I think I truly enjoy philosophy, writing and thinking. These (to me at least) are at the core of the human experinece, some of my first memories are of thinking of objections to the rules posited infront of me. I was speaking with a colleuge who described exploring the ideas expressed in “Marys room; the Knowledge Argument for Qualia”. Is my red the same as yours? What could this mean? These ideas, while sure in the texts, are filled with technical jargon, are really talking about things we all think about.
Can truth exist? How do we agree on what we know? How do we even begin addressing the hard problem of conciousness? What the hell is life? What isn’t? What is a good life? Why don’t you kill yourself?
1. A point agaisnt the idea of deep thinking
I’m not sure how people concieve of other peoples thoughts. I think my own interperation is in flux, yet I am confident in this. Everyone philosophizes. Not everyone uses that term, for example, Theology and Philosophy are brothers in the same family who don’t often get along. Similar to how an only child would struggle to handle the love-hate relationship between siblings it is not insane to empahtize as to how those sworn to one see an enemy of the other. Everyone philosophizes.
The statement I hear most often, is some mixture of this conversation was refreshing/beautiful/honest/real and that they enjoyed speaking about things normally kept in. I view people as beautiful intricate locks, and our words the keys. Sometimes you have a key that can only partially unlock the lock, and sometimes you can open someone up to an uncomfortable degree.
I have yet to hear someone say, I have never ever thought about this, I have no opinion on this, I refuse to think about this, I am confident in my ignorance. Don’t get me wrong, it can be uncomfortable, especially as you challenge the edge of someones ideas.
(Real example— Me: Oh you believe in ghosts? What other supernatural beings do you believe in? What energy/plane do you think ghosts exist in?
Them: I just had a story with ghosts, I’m not crazy... *uncomfortable look*)
But it is never, an indication of no thought or opinion. People philosophize. Everyone thinks deeply, because thoughts themsevles are inherently (or at the very least can be) deep, they posit a lot of attitudes, positions, relationships to how one sees the world. If you think someone you are talking “doesn’t think deeply”, my friend you are unfortunately locked out. Your questions, your words arent able to touch that human locked piece of themselves.
2. On building an open lock.
I’ve always been a fairly open person. I post a lot of poetry (@zaidamer.jpg on insta), and there is seemingly something vulnerable about sharing your thoughts. I’m not sure I see it that way, otherwise I wonder if I’d share anything at all. There’s is something I find freeing about having an “open lock”. I’m not sure how people write for ages by themselves, for themselves, with no desire to share. My biggest inspiration in life, for the character I wish to achieve is Marcus Aurelius. I don’t get how you find such deep honesty and truth, and are comfortable sitting with it yourself. To me that shows a depth of character non-demonstrated by my open-lockness. But despite that it doesnt feel wrong for me to do it. I truly enjoy sharing the ideas in my head, and find it meaningful to look back at and remember who I was in that moment, the actions that motivated my ideas, and the emotions I felt seeping into my writing.
3. So where am I at?
I just finished working my first real corporate job. I am moving to Taiwan in less than a month. I still want to change the world, and the most compelling difference in my story is I actually believe I can. It’s hard to talk about where you’re at without first discussing where you’ve been. The context of any journey, espcially one of ones life, can be extremely long but here is the spark-notes version of mine.
Emotional Kid (3-9): I cried a lot. I also developed my love for reading at a young age. I started reading Harry Potter at some point in SK, a guilty pleasure I have enjoyed for most of my childhood. My most distinct memory is watching Aladin in America, and the deep beauty I felt in the face of his story.
Jaded Schoolboy(9-14): I remember a project where the majority of my class “failed” and how we just moved forward with little-no consideration. That was the first polorazing example of the rules we understand are not nearly as concrete as they are espoused to be. Many things don’t matter, and its easy to take this as nothing matters. esp if you’re young.
Pleasure OP (15-22): Making friends has been one of the most precious thing I have ever done. As anyone without friends will tell you, loneliness fucking hurts. Having deep friendships have been joyus boon in my life despite and especially in the face of anytime it may not feel like that. Headonism is fun, but especially post university, when the meaning so easily accesible in the comunity around you dissapates.
???? Eudaimonia ? :) (23→): I would now describe where I am at is in the pursuit of eudaimonia. I think life is good, even despite the many arguments and expereinces that point towards the contrary. I believe in something I would naively call progress, and hope that the beauty in the human spirt reigns over any other of the dominating emotions. I want to change the world.
5. Why Diary of a Normal Man?
There is a unique clearness in the quality of writing. While a paint stroke can be striking, and a chord can tightly grip upon your heartstrings, writing has the ability of being the best time machine. The specificity that words attempt to desperately clasp onto abstract ideas, is a pathway for time travel. Who I am in this moment will be accessible (for as long as substack exists). I can’t visualize, my relationship with my memories is often rose tinted and I have night terrors about forgetting me. There is a comfort in so nudely displaying yourself, the witnessing of such prostration reminds me I exist, and do we really do anything that doesn’t beg for an answer to that:
Do I exist? and Do I matter?